Paul, International Octopus of Mystery, Is Declared an Enemy by Iranian President

Poor Paul. Who would have guessed that a psychic cephalopod could have so many enemies?

Paul, a two year old Octopus vulgaris, acquired world-wide notoriety after he correctly predicted the winner of all seven of Germany’s World Cup games, as well as the final between Spain and the Netherlands. For this feat, he received death threats from the nationals of teams Paul predicted to lose, including, eventually, threats from fellow Germans after he correctly predicted their defeat by Spain.

Even after retiring from predicting the outcome football matches, Paul has continued to make enemies. Not least among these is the fearsome and blood-thirsty Team Edward, who turned on Paul after he declared his allegiance to Team Jacob.

And now Paul is being attacked by the nation of Iran. In a speech in Tehran, President Ahmadinejad declared that Paul is a symbol of Western corruption and folly, and that only nations that despise psychic octopuses are worthy of being global powers:

[T]he Iranian president accused the octopus of spreading “western propaganda and superstition.” Paul was mentioned by Mr Ahmadinejad on various occasions during a speech in Tehran at the weekend.

“Those who believe in this type of thing cannot be the leaders of the global nations that aspire, like Iran, to human perfection, basing themselves in the love of all sacred values,” he said.

This is not the first time that Paul has gotten involved with national politics. Although the results have been sealed until 2012, Paul has also predicted the outcome of Russia’s next presidential election.

Of course, not only Western nations have fallen under Paul’s spell. China has gone Paul-crazy. Chinese film-makers even made a movie about Paul and “how the octopus acquires the ability and discuss his possible fates.” Admittedly, it’s hard to tell if the movie is an homage or a threat: the title is ‘The Murder of Paul the Octopus.’

Not to spoil anything, but my guess is the lead suspect will be Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.


1 thought on “Paul, International Octopus of Mystery, Is Declared an Enemy by Iranian President

  1. Can’t we just, I don’t know, air-drop Thorazine on him the next time he’s speaking in public? It seems the guy is getting loonier by the day.

    Assassination and kidnapping are foul play on heads of state, but how about forced medication for manifest psychological disturbance?

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