Although Michael is good to have around as a reminder of how green the grass on the other side really is, in the interest of being Fair and Balanced, I now present the five stages of legal unemployment.

1. Denial: “Well, I guess this is what unemployment feels like! It’s not so bad… And it won’t last long. Besides, after just taking the bar exam, I’d probably want to take a week off anyway, so I’ll just enjoy things for now. I’m going to organize all my files and catch up on every book I wanted to read the past three years but couldn’t find time for during law school! Yay!”
2. Anger: “#@$%*&$@%! Did you hear about that chick who sued her college because she couldn’t find a job? Maybe I’ll try that. No, wait, I won’t sue GW… I’ll sue the Career Development Office!! Fracking useless good-for-nothing CDO! This is all your fault! And also the fault of all those stupid experienced lawyers who got laid off and are now rudely taking my jobs!!! You know what would be a fair way of deciding who gets a job? From now on, all hiring decisions should be made by a barehanded fight to the death, last lawyer standing gets hired! I WILL DEFEAT ALL CHALLENGERS.”
3. Bargaining: “Dear law firm: Please hire me. I promise I am a decent lawyer. Also I have other useful skills, such as coffee-fetching, supply closet organizing, and shameless sycophancy. You don’t even have to pay me. All I ask in return is for a janitor’s closet to sleep in and full access to any food left over in the break room.”
4. Depression: “Rejection letters? Meh. Rejection phone calls? Meh. No big deal… I already knew they were going to reject me. I think today I am going to sit here and count how many times these job listings contain the phrase ‘must have 52-weeks post-JD experience to be considered.’ While eating this entire box of Oreos. By myself.”
5. Acceptance: You must not accept unemployment. Acceptance is the mind-killer. Acceptance is the little death that obliterates any chance of being a lawyer. The only acceptance permissible is the acceptance of a job offer. If no job offer is forthcoming, skip Stage 5 and start again at Step 1.

Currently, I am at Stage 3, for the fourth or fifth time. However, my theme song never fails to cheer me up. You can listen to it here.

-Susan

The other day, I was talking about the experience of being an associate with another young lawyer.  I described how every day can bring new emotions: anger, joy, depression.  “Oh, you’re just going through the five stages,” she explained.  I had never heard this before, but it turns out that the “five stages of legal employment” (particularly in the private sector) makes a lot of sense.  So what are they?

1. Denial: “Oh, this isn’t the way the job is really going to be. Sure, my partners apparently don’t have any feelings resembling human compassion and I haven’t slept for the past week. But this is just an anomaly.  I remember being a summer associate!  That was so awesome!  It’s going to be that way again soon!  When is the firm taking me to Oceanaire again?”
2. Anger: “My boss is such a !#$!@!  All my fellow associates are soulless drones!  I hate this job!  I hate everyone!“
3. Bargaining:  “Ok, I’ll just work this job for a few months, just to get some money to pay back my loans.  Then I’ll go work for the Peace Corps in Zambia.  Or maybe if I ask them to cut my salary, they’ll work me few hours.”
4. Depression: “*sigh*  Yet another day.”
5. Acceptance: “I guess I can do this.  I’m sort of doing important work; I mean, Giant Corp. deserves a fair trial, too!  And besides, now I can afford fancy shoes.”

*Now, I understand that any complaint about one’s job is pretty obnoxious in this economy.  Fair enough.  At the same time, it’s also important to recognize a more subtle consequence of the bad economy: firms may feel they can mistreat associates and get away with it.  (After all, where are the associates going to go?)  In some ways then, it’s more important than ever to note firm mistreatment. 

-Michael